Reviewed initially by Johnny North – September 3, 2010
Holy Hell, This Movie Doesn’t Mess Around
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if someone took every ridiculous action movie trope, threw them in a blender with a bottle of tequila and a healthy disrespect for physics, then hit “puree” – congratulations, you’ve just imagined Machete. This isn’t just a movie; it’s Robert Rodriguez giving Hollywood the middle finger while riding a motorcycle through a hospital window.
Danny Trejo Finally Gets His Due
After decades of playing “Scary Mexican Guy #3” in countless films, Danny Trejo finally gets the starring role he deserves as Machete, a legendary “Mexican Federale” who makes John Wick look like a Sunday school teacher. When drug lord Torrez (Steven Seagal, looking like he ate the other half of his career) destroys Machete’s life, our hero goes from law enforcement to lawn maintenance faster than you can say “immigration reform.”
The Setup That Launched a Thousand Explosions
Enter Michael Benz (Jeff Fahey), a local businessman who offers Machete $150,000 to assassinate the delightfully racist Senator McLaughlin (Robert De Niro, clearly having the time of his life being awful). Of course, it’s all a setup designed to make McLaughlin’s anti-immigration campaign more popular. Because nothing says “vote for me” like a failed assassination attempt, right?
The Machete Supporting Cast of Beautiful Madness
Machete doesn’t fight alone. He’s got:
- Luz aka “Shé” (Michelle Rodriguez) – because every revolution needs someone who can kick ass in a tank top
- Padre Benito del Toro (Cheech Marin) – Machete’s “holy” brother who proves that shotgun-wielding priests are vastly underrepresented in cinema
- Agent Sartana (Jessica Alba) – an ICE agent who looks like she stepped out of a music video and into a warzone
- Don Johnson – doing Don Johnson things with style
- Lindsay Lohan – appearing frequently without clothing because… well, it was 2010
Action Scenes That Defy Both Logic and Gravity
Rodriguez doesn’t just break the rules of filmmaking; he takes them out back, sets them on fire, and uses the ashes to make explosives. The action sequences are so gloriously over-the-top that you’ll find yourself laughing while simultaneously wondering how they convinced insurance companies to cover this production. Within the first two minutes, you’ll witness more decapitations and exposed anatomy than a medieval battlefield meets Mardi Gras.
Soundtrack That Hits Harder Than Machete’s… Well, Machete
The music doesn’t just complement the scenes – it grabs you by the collar and drags you into Rodriguez’s fever dream. Whether Machete’s brooding, the audience is laughing, or Lindsay Lohan is… present… the soundtrack knows exactly what emotional button to mash.
The Verdict: Beautifully Ridiculous
Machete is messy, violent, shallow, and tasteless – and that’s precisely why it works. This is exploitation cinema at its finest: completely aware of what it is and absolutely unapologetic about it. It’s the cinematic equivalent of a perfectly executed wrestling move: technically impressive, dramatically entertaining, and slightly dangerous to attempt at home.
Rodriguez promised us two sequels (Machete Kills and Machete Kills Again), and after watching this testosterone-fueled love letter to B-movie mayhem, we can’t wait to see what other laws of physics Machete can violate.
Final Rating: Two Machetes Up
This film gets our highest recommendation for anyone who’s ever thought, “You know what this movie needs? More explosions, more one-liners, and more Danny Trejo looking badass while doing impossible things with garden tools.”
Highly recommended by Ringside Report Network – because sometimes you need a movie that’s as subtle as a steel chair to the face.
